She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
