1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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