we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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