Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
