I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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