There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
