4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
