i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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