2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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