EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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