It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
