im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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