I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
