fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
