i would punch a child for taco bell
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Randomize
