i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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