i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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