why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
