mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
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