found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
