So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
