I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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