i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
