My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
