i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
