You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
