Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
