so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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