Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
