On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
