Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
pop tarts are not kleenex
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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