I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
