Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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