I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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