I just threw up on my dentist
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
