Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
