Soap is not a condiment
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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