I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
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