Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she told me i tasted like america
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
