I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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