my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
