Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
