well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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