he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
