Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
