fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
