I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
