nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
