how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
