If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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